I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.