@BreadFoster: I "pet zone" girls. It's like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
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@internetluke: "No, no. No! NO!" - guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
@WritePlay: *Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs* "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." *Asteroid crushes Earth* "Dammit Dad."
@TheWadest: *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."
@JiminyKicksIt: Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."