me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Best spoiler warning ever
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography