Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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need him
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.