@lawking30: I photobombed my pal's passport photo & now they won't let him through customs unless I'm behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
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@Vodkantots: People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.
@meganamram: I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@LerbsyCherbs: I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.