@themorris23: I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

@EndhooS: "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Show him Edna.. [mum stops slicing carrots] *starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

@RocketRankoon: *swivels around in evil chair* *evil laugh* *pets evil cat* *evil cat laughs* *jumps out of evil chair* "Holy shit, that cat just laughed!"

@Mr_Kapowski: Betsy Ross: "Let's put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag" Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar

@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor