*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
The asteroid..
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Cucumbers Anonymous
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.