@lawking30: I photobombed my pal's passport photo & now they won't let him through customs unless I'm behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
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@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
@Bunnydurden: I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Tony is coming round" Me: "Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?" Tony: "I'm here for the money." *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*