I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.