@jjhartinger: I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn't melt. I've got to start dressing smarter
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@flashember: Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
@_Tempo11: Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag.
@DanMentos: "Your son's been involved in a shenanigan" What kinda shenanigans? "It was just one shenanigan" You called me down here for one shenanigan?
@big_mick_carter: Chinese takeaway - £17 Delivery charge - £1 Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless