Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not