@Kim_pulsive: I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says "she wouldn't want us to be sad" at my funeral. If you're not sad that I'm gone forever you deserve it
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@ArfMeasures: "My friend got me a Fitbit" ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho "u can buy them online" ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
@JermHimselfish: Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
@Thynebear: If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn't even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.