@Kim_pulsive: I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says "she wouldn't want us to be sad" at my funeral. If you're not sad that I'm gone forever you deserve it
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@sdhintz: 2 things lotion won't let you do when it's on your hands because it's evil: 1) escape the bathroom 2) open a beer
@minnie_in_pink7: Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
@Shut_up_Marissa: Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
@SharkJelly: *in a fight with Humpty Dumpty* "You don't scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast"