@Kim_pulsive: I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says "she wouldn't want us to be sad" at my funeral. If you're not sad that I'm gone forever you deserve it
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@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
@UncleDuke1969: [Hoth Rebel Base] Leia: How's Skywalker? Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him. Leia: And, now? Han: Lukewarm. Leia: ... Han: Hehehe
@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
@POTerritory: Cop: What is your line of business? Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.