I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Fidel Castro was alive?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course