I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
the world’s most popular steaming services
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
fourth time’s the charm
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.