@Dutch_50: I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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@SamuelHLowe: Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.
@rockymomax: [wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again
@DumbConfessions: Jesus: "Is it time for the second coming yet dad?" God: "I'll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he's me." Both: "LOLOLOLOL"
@_xLNc: My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."