I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.