I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/