I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s