If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*