love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody