I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.