I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge