I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”