I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
You Might Also Like
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.