I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?