@DriftLight: I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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@coketruck76: Me: I'm into fitness Trainer: not again M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth T: you should go M: this isn't going to "workout" T: LEAVE NOW
@Not_James_Vogel: I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
@timdonakowski: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.