I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.