[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
You Might Also Like
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
the simulation is moving too fast
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…