@michowl: I pointed to hub's hearing aid and said is that thing on? He said "yes, I am just trying to figure out what the hell you are saying"
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@Underchilde: I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don’t need that kind of incentive to visit again.
@BoomBoomBetty: A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
@shutupmikeginn: Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea"
@highwaytohelv: why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*