wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
You Might Also Like
I occasionally drink every single night.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
philosophical skeletons be like
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.