HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The game has officially changed 😎
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.