I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You Might Also Like
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
hmmm
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.