I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]