@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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@carlawh: When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
@ElizaBayne: Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens
@ShaunRightNow: Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress. All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he's done.
@PaperWash: [Ouijja Board] What is the meaning of life? S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E *Squints at board* What the heck? A Bee Gee board?