@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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@TeflonPawn: If you're looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
@NatasshaStash: A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, "well I'm bored,let's go brush our teeth" in mid convo
@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
@chopper4jk: My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid's these days...