I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I feel it
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here