@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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@KKBowls: I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it -- it just fell and ran away. I was all, 'Oh my God, he knows what I look like.'
@80want: inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes
@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."