I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.