I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face