I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post