I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
mentally somewhere in italy
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days