I pray every night that I never become religious…
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I feel attacked.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away