*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
🤣🤣💀
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
We need to put an American base on the sun
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Don’t talk down to me
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.