I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
How do you milk an almond?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.