@ipalatsky: I prefer the term "quirky", it sounds less diagnosable.
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@ArinLeeMorris: In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
@JustDontBugMe: [Getting married] Hey, thanks for doing this with me... I wasn't sure how to operate the microwave.
@tastefactory: Young mom: My baby is 34 months Me: Oh really I'm 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
@david8hughes: Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great