I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
You Might Also Like
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.