I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
an airline just for babies.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
constantly working on myself.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.