@salamingia: I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.
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@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
@MatCro: ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home] GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE? E: Honey, we've talked about this. GF: [sadly] Ok.... wire you insulate?
@BigBagOfScum: All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.