I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Practicing safe sax
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.