I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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tell em, edith-anne
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500