I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them