Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Happy thanksgiving
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?