Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
You Might Also Like
My life in a nutshell
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.