@envydatropic: I print everything at work because I'm not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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@Fred_Delicious: [2 detectives are at a murder scene] "my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?" ... "a lasagne driving a car?" "Exactly"
@704919828: Apparently googling "how to get suspended with pay" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
@TheHyyyype: TEACHER: That's the third time this week - please explain your tardiness ME: Well, it basically means that I've been late
@TheCatWhisprer: ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*