11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Yes, this is exactly right
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing