@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
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@themessednest: I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
@House_Feminist: I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
@Parkerlawyer: In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me...then screamed April Foooools and hung up. It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.