I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Oh we’ve met.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I have no passwords left in me
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.