My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN