Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes