@abbycohenwl: Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

@sameblacklist: If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?

@DanMentos: gf: Daddy me: don't call me that it's creepy gf: Sorry Baby me: that's better

@IamEnidColeslaw: if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

@lecalabara: Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.