Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.