I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit